I'm not sure when I stopped believing or when my faith started to depreciate .. but I have a fear that I'll never believe again. But do I want to believe? The more I think about the idea of GOD.. the more that I think it is fabricated. I believe man created this "being" to try to keep some order among the co-habitation of human kind.
Since I stopped believing - nothing any more worse has happened then when I did believe! Now I just have that absence of fear.... that someone "overhead" is judging me at all times.....deciding what happens to me after I die. WELL NO THANKS.. stick me in the ground and that's that. We came from ashes right? Well to ashes I'll go. And I am OK with that. I knew I had lost all faith when god became less believable than Santa Claus.
If someone would have asked me a year ago I would have said "Of course I believe in God.... how in the hell else do you explain the universe?" Well that's simple.. SCIENCE...FACTS...EVOLUTION.. (which is rather ironic because I had my mom write me an excuse to get out of 8th grade Science class for a whole week of learning all about evolution which I detested at the time) I miss having that much faith in something.
I used to read my devotional daily, my bible (which I now think is crap just to help tame the population), and about 3 other books I "religiously" (ha-ha) read on a daily basis. I couldn't sit easy until everything was done. I don't think I went more then a few hours without praying and would drop to my knees crying to God a few times a week on average. At one point I even ran my own little Bible study group..which didn't last very long... I even had my 9 year old daughter following in my religious footsteps). Now she has her own doubts when it comes to if there is a God or not. I don't believe in the paranormal, I don't believe in psychics, I don't believe in life after death, and I really don't believe in the devil. I don't believe that anything but man will end up destroying this earth.
I was raised Baptist in Jamestown, Ohio. My mother attended church with me most of the time. A bit after moving to Bradenton, Florida in 1993, I started attending church with a friend. My parents were not involved at all. They could care less about my religion. They didn't even show for my Baptism.... which for me back then was a HUGE deal... now I think it was just a waste of time and water.
Years later, the woman who always told me that all you had to have to get into the Kingdom of heaven was the faith of a mustard seed, decided to share with me that she no longer really believed in a God either. At that point I was just a "christian". Then that Christianity turned into faithlessinity. I partially blame that on a really good friend of mine who started to tell me about her new found religion...the JEHOVAH WITNESS' (DOWDowdow).... thanks friend.
Deep down I think for most of the years I just needed something to believe in. Some kind of hope.... but I grew up.... and now there's a lot of self disappointment all because I lost that belief. Honestly I have no one to blame but myself. It wasn't my mothers doubts, it wasn't a friend leading me down the
I hope to find my way back again. I really do. If not to some god... then at least to myself. I think once I find me again then I'll be alright. That seems to be the hardest part in all of this....Finding yourself again after you have been lost for so long.
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