Experiencing Faithlessinity

"It all just seems so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world, and that the meek and righteous will inherit it. There's too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that go unanswered. Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves that it's all going to be okay, "You're going to be okay." But it's not okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world...at least today there isn't."

I'm not sure when I stopped believing or when my faith started to depreciate .. but I have a fear that I'll never believe again. But do I want to believe? The more I think about the idea of GOD.. the more that I think it is fabricated. I believe man created this "being" to try to keep some order among the co-habitation of human kind. 

Since I stopped believing - nothing any more worse has happened then when I did believe! Now I just have that absence of fear.... that someone "overhead" is judging me at all times.....deciding what happens to me after I die. WELL NO THANKS.. stick me in the ground and that's that. We came from ashes right? Well to ashes I'll go. And I am OK with that. I knew I had lost all faith when god became less believable than Santa Claus. 

If someone would have asked me a year ago I would have said "Of course I believe in God.... how in the hell else do you explain the universe?" Well that's simple.. SCIENCE...FACTS...EVOLUTION.. (which is rather ironic because I had my mom write me an excuse to get out of 8th grade Science class for a whole week of learning all about evolution which I detested at the time) I miss having that much faith in something.

I used to read my devotional daily, my bible (which I now think is crap just to help tame the population), and about 3 other books I "religiously" (ha-ha) read on a daily basis. I couldn't sit easy until everything was done. I don't think I went more then a few hours without praying and would drop to my knees crying to God a few times a week on average. At one point I even ran my own little Bible study group..which didn't last very long... I even had my 9 year old daughter following in my religious footsteps). Now she has her own doubts when it comes to if there is a God or not. I don't believe in the paranormal, I don't believe in psychics, I don't believe in life after death, and I really don't believe in the devil. I don't believe that anything but man will end up destroying this earth. 

I was raised Baptist in Jamestown, Ohio. My mother attended church with me most of the time. A bit after moving to Bradenton, Florida in 1993, I started attending church with a friend. My parents were not involved at all. They could care less about my religion. They didn't even show for my Baptism.... which for me back then was a HUGE deal... now I think it was just a waste of time and water. 

Years later, the woman who always told me that all you had to have to get into the Kingdom of heaven was the faith of a mustard seed, decided to share with me that she no longer really believed in a God either. At that point I was just a "christian". Then that Christianity turned into faithlessinity. I partially blame that on a really good friend of mine who started to tell me about her new found religion...the JEHOVAH WITNESS' (DOWDowdow).... thanks friend.

Deep down I think for most of the years I just needed something to believe in. Some kind of hope.... but I grew up.... and now there's a lot of self disappointment all because I lost that belief. Honestly I have no one to blame but myself. It wasn't my mothers doubts, it wasn't a friend leading me down the right path... it was me.. and my loss of passion...my loss of drive.. my loss of hope, trust and belief. 

I hope to find my way back again. I really do. If not to some god... then at least to myself. I think once I find me again then I'll be alright. That seems to be the hardest part in all of this....Finding yourself again after you have been lost for so long.