-1- Started from the bottom and im STILL at the bottom.

I keep saying I'm OK...but I am SO far from O.K.

I've never really been good at talking to people. Mostly because it doesn't feel like anyone listens. I mean REALLY listens. I find myself repeating the same things over and over. So at this point I am DONE trying to talk about things that are important to me including my feelings, secrets, and fantasies. It was hard enough before to get me to open up. Now I feel like I am back at square one. I don't trust a soul... not even my own daddy. I think that's the first time I've ever said that. It's a sad thought. Maybe one day.... hopefully soon.. pops will go back to being pops again. It's OK though I understand I've been a huge disappointment to both my mom and my dad. 

The list of people I have disappointed is probably longer than I think but it is what it is right? My kids are somewhere at the very top of that rancid list as well. 

Where did things get so fucked up. Did I wake up one day, decide that my life wasn't worth being great? That I didn't deserve to be great? That it would be OK to let the bad choices roll... that I was better than everyone else and could handle what was being thrown my way? No that's now how the story goes. Not mine anyway.

So many events have happened in my life that I think I let go of but really the resentment lingers. Don't get me wrong... I have been able to let some pretty dreadful things go that I thought I would take with me to the grave. They same some sadness' can be addictive. I believe it. Fortunately I don't want to be one of those.... I have enough addictions to worry about.

I've made it through a lot... good thing I am tough. Not so much lately but I used to be tough and maybe I'll get there again. Being a single mom, schooling, working, trying to date (LOL), separation (soon to be a divorce.. I'll let you know where the party will be at lol),  parents divorce, broken home raising, dropping out of school, trying to find my way on my own.. and I did all this while my heart was shattered and I thought I would never know what it would feel like to just feel like I was worthy again. 

At this point in my life things are so screwed up. I am filled with despair, hopelessness, shame, sadness, and regret. Even with all these negative emotions that I am filled with.. I feel so empty. Lifeless..dead inside. I'm like a shell of a person robotic-ally going through life. Faking that smile as good as I possibly can....... "Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell cares." -OTH

Since I was 13 I've felt this way. The horrible anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and despair. I've never felt like I was good enough for anyone at all...ever! But I seem to be proving them all right...but It was mild then. My depression and anxiety didn't get cranked up until I was 15 and my parents decided to "separate". We all know what "separate" means... DIVORCE. I know this now because I'm going through the same thing right now.  

Through my teen years I had no supervision. I partied my ass off and had so much fun. Dropping out of school seemed to really pay off....riiiiiiiight. Anyways, I ended up getting my Good Enough Diploma. I guess that's ...good enough..right? Well it has to be. I went through some college courses. Studied 3 years in law, 6 months in Criminal Justice, and I got my AA in Interior Design. Too bad right when I graduated the economy crashed and there wasn't anything available for a rookie designer. So I worked odd jobs for years.

I stopped working when I got into a car crash from having a seizure behind the wheel. No one was badly injured but Florida took away my license for life. I have to go six months straight without having a seizure and that hasn't happened in years. Driving was my freedom.. My car taking me to the water to fish was my serenity. I even stopped working due to lack of transportation. Which leaves me stuck in the house 99% of the time... with the kids... 24/7...and I have a mate and you would think that it would make it better but even though he's here... he's not really here! That was all around three years ago and now I can say I am officially going psychotic... crazy...  mental ...BROKEN!

It seems the only way to stay semi sane is unfortunately to get high. And I'm worried that the few pills I still do take isn't going to be enough to mask this emotional pain much longer. I've already attempted suicide a few times... more often I regret not succeeding. Then again I should be used to failing. I can't even kill myself right.

I could go on about my past forever... It is long... It is probably boring, and I hate getting into details about insignificant shit. With that being said... I'm gonna hit on the key points focusing on my child hood and teen years. Some twenties ... All the way up to now. Then I plan on making this a daily routine. I don't want to talk to a psycho chick while laying on a couch, and I usually find myself just writing nonsense in my journal to help ease my mind.
Most of my writing...well..it probably doesn't make much sense because I usually seem to be all over the place. 

So many thoughts without the gift of translating them appropriately. That's another reason for writing this. Maybe I am on overload. It's like a word tornado in my head. Sometimes it isn't so bad but like lately, it is driving me batty. I want so bad to be able to tell the people I care about exactly what it is about me. Even the closest people to me don't know me. Hello, I don't know myself ( I think we established that)....but lately I have lost all desire to open that journal up.

Oh yes.. One more thing...I expect you to judge me. It is human instinct .. but until you are actually in my mind and living my life... you will never fully understand why I do the things I do and why I live my life the way I do or why I am the way I am.. Remember... Judge and be judged... I may not believe that god will strike you dead but I believe that KARMA is a mega BITCH.