So things around here have been pretty rough. My dads turned into his mother...old grouchy bitch (R.I.P. Grammy), the kids are acting like they don't hear a durn thing I tell them, and I've never felt so disrespected in my life. I really feel like I'm not heard and not cared about. Like it would be better if I just left. That way the burden would be gone. I feel like my kids are a burden and that it's my responsibility to keep them tame when need be. They don't even listen to me.. why in the hell would they act right in public or what not?
I feel so broken down. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a boyfriend who I know loves me and doesn't want me to go anywhere and I love him too... but sometimes love isn't enough. As of now he is here physically, but mentally not so much. He doesn't do anything to go out of his way to spend time with the kids and I. My daughter claims to dislike him, but I don't think that is true. He thinks she's always going to hate him. I don't think that's true either. His life consists of video games, sleeping, the bathroom, and work. He says he will change but I've heard that before. He's not a bad man though I can say that... and he does work his butt off.. at work. But when it comes down to his family and this house... he either doesn't help at all or says he's going to do stuff and never does. If he does it's days sometimes weeks later. I'm by far saying I am perfect. I know I have many many flaws. I'm reminded of my flaws alllllll the time.
So since I am so miserable here... My mom wants me to move up to Orlando to live with her. Now I go nuts there too so it's not as easy. But it would be better for me to clean up my act there I guess. She said she would help me. And I know she needs help to. I am so torn. I am supposed to give her an answer on Monday I believe...after my dentist appt.
So what do I do? Do I leave this world and everyone in it behind? Or do I stop running every time life gets rough and stick it out...stay with my man...find something else to fill my time... stick to myself.... find more positive people to put in my life while throwing the garbage out... and I really need to get enough confidence to ride the city bus... and hey who knows... if I stop blowing my money then maybe... just maybe.. I could get my own little place here.... just a thought...
argh... to move or not to move.. its a VERY big step! One that involves more than one fragile heart...
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