Sunday, June 30, 2013
Money Does Buy Hapiness...DUUHHH
Just for now.. let me say... if I had 1,000$ right now... hell... even $500 right now. I would be one happy camper. 3 days in a hotel with room service.. PLEASE!
Day Job VS. Passion
Now I know this is where I am supposed to say that my day job, which is taking care of kids 24/7, cleaning, cooking, playing maid, playing doctor, building mud castles, playing cars, building skyscrapers out of blocks... and much much more....is the most exciting thing that I would want to be doing. I want to say that my passion is catering to three little people around the clock usually on very little rest...BUT...
I love my kids very much. They are what keeps me going. Without them I probably wouldn't be here with the track I was on. I've been out of work for three years now and sitting in a house all day with the three of them...ages 9, 5, and 1, is absolutely getting to me. I'm hoping it's an age thing because my kids seem to have forgotten what respect is along with many other things.
Sadly at this point, I am so dead inside that I'm not even sure what my passion is anymore. I used to have so many dreams and goals and slowly...POOF. So now I am trying to re-kindle that passion. I know I have the talents and smarts...but where do I start? What do I do?
I always wanted to be a cop but im epileptic so that wasn't in my cards unfortunately. So should I just give up on it all? Sit here day in and day out and hope something great is thrown in my lap? YA like that's going to happen. I need a goal... even if it's a small one to start off with. Something that will make everyone proud. Because if you aren't moving forward...You are moving backward!!
But how does one fine the passion that they once had?
I love my kids very much. They are what keeps me going. Without them I probably wouldn't be here with the track I was on. I've been out of work for three years now and sitting in a house all day with the three of them...ages 9, 5, and 1, is absolutely getting to me. I'm hoping it's an age thing because my kids seem to have forgotten what respect is along with many other things.
Sadly at this point, I am so dead inside that I'm not even sure what my passion is anymore. I used to have so many dreams and goals and slowly...POOF. So now I am trying to re-kindle that passion. I know I have the talents and smarts...but where do I start? What do I do?
I always wanted to be a cop but im epileptic so that wasn't in my cards unfortunately. So should I just give up on it all? Sit here day in and day out and hope something great is thrown in my lap? YA like that's going to happen. I need a goal... even if it's a small one to start off with. Something that will make everyone proud. Because if you aren't moving forward...You are moving backward!!
But how does one fine the passion that they once had?
Experiencing Faithlessinity
"It all just seems so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world, and that the meek and righteous will inherit it. There's too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that go unanswered. Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves that it's all going to be okay, "You're going to be okay." But it's not okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world...at least today there isn't."
I'm not sure when I stopped believing or when my faith started to depreciate .. but I have a fear that I'll never believe again. But do I want to believe? The more I think about the idea of GOD.. the more that I think it is fabricated. I believe man created this "being" to try to keep some order among the co-habitation of human kind.
Since I stopped believing - nothing any more worse has happened then when I did believe! Now I just have that absence of fear.... that someone "overhead" is judging me at all times.....deciding what happens to me after I die. WELL NO THANKS.. stick me in the ground and that's that. We came from ashes right? Well to ashes I'll go. And I am OK with that. I knew I had lost all faith when god became less believable than Santa Claus.
If someone would have asked me a year ago I would have said "Of course I believe in God.... how in the hell else do you explain the universe?" Well that's simple.. SCIENCE...FACTS...EVOLUTION.. (which is rather ironic because I had my mom write me an excuse to get out of 8th grade Science class for a whole week of learning all about evolution which I detested at the time) I miss having that much faith in something.
I used to read my devotional daily, my bible (which I now think is crap just to help tame the population), and about 3 other books I "religiously" (ha-ha) read on a daily basis. I couldn't sit easy until everything was done. I don't think I went more then a few hours without praying and would drop to my knees crying to God a few times a week on average. At one point I even ran my own little Bible study group..which didn't last very long... I even had my 9 year old daughter following in my religious footsteps). Now she has her own doubts when it comes to if there is a God or not. I don't believe in the paranormal, I don't believe in psychics, I don't believe in life after death, and I really don't believe in the devil. I don't believe that anything but man will end up destroying this earth.
I was raised Baptist in Jamestown, Ohio. My mother attended church with me most of the time. A bit after moving to Bradenton, Florida in 1993, I started attending church with a friend. My parents were not involved at all. They could care less about my religion. They didn't even show for my Baptism.... which for me back then was a HUGE deal... now I think it was just a waste of time and water.
Years later, the woman who always told me that all you had to have to get into the Kingdom of heaven was the faith of a mustard seed, decided to share with me that she no longer really believed in a God either. At that point I was just a "christian". Then that Christianity turned into faithlessinity. I partially blame that on a really good friend of mine who started to tell me about her new found religion...the JEHOVAH WITNESS' (DOWDowdow).... thanks friend.
Deep down I think for most of the years I just needed something to believe in. Some kind of hope.... but I grew up.... and now there's a lot of self disappointment all because I lost that belief. Honestly I have no one to blame but myself. It wasn't my mothers doubts, it wasn't a friend leading me down theright path... it was me.. and my loss of passion...my loss of drive.. my loss of hope, trust and belief.
I hope to find my way back again. I really do. If not to some god... then at least to myself. I think once I find me again then I'll be alright. That seems to be the hardest part in all of this....Finding yourself again after you have been lost for so long.
I'm not sure when I stopped believing or when my faith started to depreciate .. but I have a fear that I'll never believe again. But do I want to believe? The more I think about the idea of GOD.. the more that I think it is fabricated. I believe man created this "being" to try to keep some order among the co-habitation of human kind.
Since I stopped believing - nothing any more worse has happened then when I did believe! Now I just have that absence of fear.... that someone "overhead" is judging me at all times.....deciding what happens to me after I die. WELL NO THANKS.. stick me in the ground and that's that. We came from ashes right? Well to ashes I'll go. And I am OK with that. I knew I had lost all faith when god became less believable than Santa Claus.
If someone would have asked me a year ago I would have said "Of course I believe in God.... how in the hell else do you explain the universe?" Well that's simple.. SCIENCE...FACTS...EVOLUTION.. (which is rather ironic because I had my mom write me an excuse to get out of 8th grade Science class for a whole week of learning all about evolution which I detested at the time) I miss having that much faith in something.
I used to read my devotional daily, my bible (which I now think is crap just to help tame the population), and about 3 other books I "religiously" (ha-ha) read on a daily basis. I couldn't sit easy until everything was done. I don't think I went more then a few hours without praying and would drop to my knees crying to God a few times a week on average. At one point I even ran my own little Bible study group..which didn't last very long... I even had my 9 year old daughter following in my religious footsteps). Now she has her own doubts when it comes to if there is a God or not. I don't believe in the paranormal, I don't believe in psychics, I don't believe in life after death, and I really don't believe in the devil. I don't believe that anything but man will end up destroying this earth.
I was raised Baptist in Jamestown, Ohio. My mother attended church with me most of the time. A bit after moving to Bradenton, Florida in 1993, I started attending church with a friend. My parents were not involved at all. They could care less about my religion. They didn't even show for my Baptism.... which for me back then was a HUGE deal... now I think it was just a waste of time and water.
Years later, the woman who always told me that all you had to have to get into the Kingdom of heaven was the faith of a mustard seed, decided to share with me that she no longer really believed in a God either. At that point I was just a "christian". Then that Christianity turned into faithlessinity. I partially blame that on a really good friend of mine who started to tell me about her new found religion...the JEHOVAH WITNESS' (DOWDowdow).... thanks friend.
Deep down I think for most of the years I just needed something to believe in. Some kind of hope.... but I grew up.... and now there's a lot of self disappointment all because I lost that belief. Honestly I have no one to blame but myself. It wasn't my mothers doubts, it wasn't a friend leading me down the
I hope to find my way back again. I really do. If not to some god... then at least to myself. I think once I find me again then I'll be alright. That seems to be the hardest part in all of this....Finding yourself again after you have been lost for so long.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Vows and Promises... Meant to be Broken?
So I've been separated for about 5 years. My husband left when our second child was 2 weeks old. He left state with another girl and we have yet to get a divorce.... word is he has a lawyer though and he's gonna go ahead and get the divorce.... im so relieved (if it actually happens... see... he lies to me A LOT) But if we get a divorce.. that means I am free to get married again. And i am not sure if i want to. Its all scary to me.
I always promised my kids that they wouldn't come from a broken home and because of their dad I had to break that promise.
I spent years brokenhearted over this man.. and if I knew he really had changed then i would have given him another shot. But he still lies to me. He doesn't even want me.. He doesn't know how to be alone and he thought when everything went wrong that I would be here with open arms. I have never had my heart broken as bad as this man did.
But I cant just forget he exists because I have two beautiful children by him who I wouldn't give back for the world.
Fred and I went through hell and back... and in the end.. besides the kids... was it worth it? Was it worth the heart ache? Of course it wasn't!!
But I forgive this man. I hope the best for him. I'm just glad that I am aloud to be my own person again, and that the man I am with lets me be that woman that I want to be. No matter how bad things get he never leaves. He has my back. He is by my side and always will be. That's a lot more than i can say for some people.
I want to find happiness. I really do. I'm having trouble right now but time heals everything right? The hardest thing I think is believing in the vows again. I would have stuck anything out...because of those vows. If vows can be broken that easy by someone who says they love you... the father of your children... someone who was your world.... then who's to say that the vows really are nothing but some spoken words... Just like promises... because we all know they were made to be broken.
When he left I started doing any drug I could find. I was so depressed. I had a newborn here and a five year old to take care on my own. But you know what.. it is what it is. I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions. But since then I have been ten times more depressed.
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
When the friends are scarce
When people seem to give up on you
What do you do?
I always promised my kids that they wouldn't come from a broken home and because of their dad I had to break that promise.
I spent years brokenhearted over this man.. and if I knew he really had changed then i would have given him another shot. But he still lies to me. He doesn't even want me.. He doesn't know how to be alone and he thought when everything went wrong that I would be here with open arms. I have never had my heart broken as bad as this man did.
But I cant just forget he exists because I have two beautiful children by him who I wouldn't give back for the world.
Fred and I went through hell and back... and in the end.. besides the kids... was it worth it? Was it worth the heart ache? Of course it wasn't!!
But I forgive this man. I hope the best for him. I'm just glad that I am aloud to be my own person again, and that the man I am with lets me be that woman that I want to be. No matter how bad things get he never leaves. He has my back. He is by my side and always will be. That's a lot more than i can say for some people.
I want to find happiness. I really do. I'm having trouble right now but time heals everything right? The hardest thing I think is believing in the vows again. I would have stuck anything out...because of those vows. If vows can be broken that easy by someone who says they love you... the father of your children... someone who was your world.... then who's to say that the vows really are nothing but some spoken words... Just like promises... because we all know they were made to be broken.
When he left I started doing any drug I could find. I was so depressed. I had a newborn here and a five year old to take care on my own. But you know what.. it is what it is. I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions. But since then I have been ten times more depressed.
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
When the friends are scarce
When people seem to give up on you
What do you do?
Where's my magic 8 ball!
So things around here have been pretty rough. My dads turned into his mother...old grouchy bitch (R.I.P. Grammy), the kids are acting like they don't hear a durn thing I tell them, and I've never felt so disrespected in my life. I really feel like I'm not heard and not cared about. Like it would be better if I just left. That way the burden would be gone. I feel like my kids are a burden and that it's my responsibility to keep them tame when need be. They don't even listen to me.. why in the hell would they act right in public or what not?
I feel so broken down. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a boyfriend who I know loves me and doesn't want me to go anywhere and I love him too... but sometimes love isn't enough. As of now he is here physically, but mentally not so much. He doesn't do anything to go out of his way to spend time with the kids and I. My daughter claims to dislike him, but I don't think that is true. He thinks she's always going to hate him. I don't think that's true either. His life consists of video games, sleeping, the bathroom, and work. He says he will change but I've heard that before. He's not a bad man though I can say that... and he does work his butt off.. at work. But when it comes down to his family and this house... he either doesn't help at all or says he's going to do stuff and never does. If he does it's days sometimes weeks later. I'm by far saying I am perfect. I know I have many many flaws. I'm reminded of my flaws alllllll the time.
So since I am so miserable here... My mom wants me to move up to Orlando to live with her. Now I go nuts there too so it's not as easy. But it would be better for me to clean up my act there I guess. She said she would help me. And I know she needs help to. I am so torn. I am supposed to give her an answer on Monday I believe...after my dentist appt.
So what do I do? Do I leave this world and everyone in it behind? Or do I stop running every time life gets rough and stick it out...stay with my man...find something else to fill my time... stick to myself.... find more positive people to put in my life while throwing the garbage out... and I really need to get enough confidence to ride the city bus... and hey who knows... if I stop blowing my money then maybe... just maybe.. I could get my own little place here.... just a thought...
argh... to move or not to move.. its a VERY big step! One that involves more than one fragile heart...
I feel so broken down. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a boyfriend who I know loves me and doesn't want me to go anywhere and I love him too... but sometimes love isn't enough. As of now he is here physically, but mentally not so much. He doesn't do anything to go out of his way to spend time with the kids and I. My daughter claims to dislike him, but I don't think that is true. He thinks she's always going to hate him. I don't think that's true either. His life consists of video games, sleeping, the bathroom, and work. He says he will change but I've heard that before. He's not a bad man though I can say that... and he does work his butt off.. at work. But when it comes down to his family and this house... he either doesn't help at all or says he's going to do stuff and never does. If he does it's days sometimes weeks later. I'm by far saying I am perfect. I know I have many many flaws. I'm reminded of my flaws alllllll the time.
So since I am so miserable here... My mom wants me to move up to Orlando to live with her. Now I go nuts there too so it's not as easy. But it would be better for me to clean up my act there I guess. She said she would help me. And I know she needs help to. I am so torn. I am supposed to give her an answer on Monday I believe...after my dentist appt.
So what do I do? Do I leave this world and everyone in it behind? Or do I stop running every time life gets rough and stick it out...stay with my man...find something else to fill my time... stick to myself.... find more positive people to put in my life while throwing the garbage out... and I really need to get enough confidence to ride the city bus... and hey who knows... if I stop blowing my money then maybe... just maybe.. I could get my own little place here.... just a thought...
argh... to move or not to move.. its a VERY big step! One that involves more than one fragile heart...
-1- Started from the bottom and im STILL at the bottom.
I keep saying I'm OK...but I am SO far from O.K.
The list of people I have disappointed is probably longer than I think but it is what it is right? My kids are somewhere at the very top of that rancid list as well.
Where did things get so fucked up. Did I wake up one day, decide that my life wasn't worth being great? That I didn't deserve to be great? That it would be OK to let the bad choices roll... that I was better than everyone else and could handle what was being thrown my way? No that's now how the story goes. Not mine anyway.
So many events have happened in my life that I think I let go of but really the resentment lingers. Don't get me wrong... I have been able to let some pretty dreadful things go that I thought I would take with me to the grave. They same some sadness' can be addictive. I believe it. Fortunately I don't want to be one of those.... I have enough addictions to worry about.
I've made it through a lot... good thing I am tough. Not so much lately but I used to be tough and maybe I'll get there again. Being a single mom, schooling, working, trying to date (LOL), separation (soon to be a divorce.. I'll let you know where the party will be at lol), parents divorce, broken home raising, dropping out of school, trying to find my way on my own.. and I did all this while my heart was shattered and I thought I would never know what it would feel like to just feel like I was worthy again.
At this point in my life things are so screwed up. I am filled with despair, hopelessness, shame, sadness, and regret. Even with all these negative emotions that I am filled with.. I feel so empty. Lifeless..dead inside. I'm like a shell of a person robotic-ally going through life. Faking that smile as good as I possibly can....... "Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell cares." -OTH
Since I was 13 I've felt this way. The horrible anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and despair. I've never felt like I was good enough for anyone at all...ever! But I seem to be proving them all right...but It was mild then. My depression and anxiety didn't get cranked up until I was 15 and my parents decided to "separate". We all know what "separate" means... DIVORCE. I know this now because I'm going through the same thing right now.
Through my teen years I had no supervision. I partied my ass off and had so much fun. Dropping out of school seemed to really pay off....riiiiiiiight. Anyways, I ended up getting my Good Enough Diploma. I guess that's ...good enough..right? Well it has to be. I went through some college courses. Studied 3 years in law, 6 months in Criminal Justice, and I got my AA in Interior Design. Too bad right when I graduated the economy crashed and there wasn't anything available for a rookie designer. So I worked odd jobs for years.
I stopped working when I got into a car crash from having a seizure behind the wheel. No one was badly injured but Florida took away my license for life. I have to go six months straight without having a seizure and that hasn't happened in years. Driving was my freedom.. My car taking me to the water to fish was my serenity. I even stopped working due to lack of transportation. Which leaves me stuck in the house 99% of the time... with the kids... 24/7...and I have a mate and you would think that it would make it better but even though he's here... he's not really here! That was all around three years ago and now I can say I am officially going psychotic... crazy... mental ...BROKEN!
It seems the only way to stay semi sane is unfortunately to get high. And I'm worried that the few pills I still do take isn't going to be enough to mask this emotional pain much longer. I've already attempted suicide a few times... more often I regret not succeeding. Then again I should be used to failing. I can't even kill myself right.
I could go on about my past forever... It is long... It is probably boring, and I hate getting into details about insignificant shit. With that being said... I'm gonna hit on the key points focusing on my child hood and teen years. Some twenties ... All the way up to now. Then I plan on making this a daily routine. I don't want to talk to a psycho chick while laying on a couch, and I usually find myself just writing nonsense in my journal to help ease my mind.
Most of my writing...well..it probably doesn't make much sense because I usually seem to be all over the place.
So many thoughts without the gift of translating them appropriately. That's another reason for writing this. Maybe I am on overload. It's like a word tornado in my head. Sometimes it isn't so bad but like lately, it is driving me batty. I want so bad to be able to tell the people I care about exactly what it is about me. Even the closest people to me don't know me. Hello, I don't know myself ( I think we established that)....but lately I have lost all desire to open that journal up.
Oh yes.. One more thing...I expect you to judge me. It is human instinct .. but until you are actually in my mind and living my life... you will never fully understand why I do the things I do and why I live my life the way I do or why I am the way I am.. Remember... Judge and be judged... I may not believe that god will strike you dead but I believe that KARMA is a mega BITCH.
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